Kenshin vs Aoshi the Beautiful
by Clarinet
Summary: An unfinished and stupid fic. One of my early attempts at humor.


_Author's note: This story is admittedly a piece of crap. It is one of many that I began in some of my early attempts at humorous fanfiction... I think it's got some funny ideas, but it just isn't executed properly, which is why I didn't continue it. Wasn't going anywhere... wasn't working. For a humor fic I've written that works, check out the DW Jeopardy story (except for Round III, which is crap). But for some mediocre entertainment here is the unfinished story of Kenshin... And by the way, the 'that it is' Kenshin repeats is from the dub and the subtitles on the official release._

He is the greatest swordsman in Japan (except for his master Hiko Seijuro, alias Mr. Too-cool-to-fight; we've never seen him fight anybody but wimps, so he doesn't count), master of the swift and deadly sword art YellOutYourMovesFirst, and the self-dubbed Wandering Pacifist; his name is Kenshin (sword-heart), and he has been trying to convince people to call him Sofuto An Mushi Haato (soft and mushy heart); but despite being a Wandering Pacifist, he was once the ruthless and efficient killer nicknamed Battousai. Now, people seek him out to fight with him, to prove their superior strength and skill, or to be converted from psychopathic killers into big-hearted, virtuous, productive members of society.

Our story begins as Kenshin is sought by Shinomori Aoshi, former leader of the Oniwabanshu. Kenshin was out in the yard, reciting his attack names to himself when a tall man approached the dojo.

"Shinomori Aoshi!" Kenshin exclaimed, recognizing him immediately because Aoshi, like everyone else, always wore the same clothes. He added a belated, "That it is."

"Yes, it is I, the beautiful and deadly leader of the Oniwabanshu, Shinomori Aoshi!" Aoshi struck a dramatic pose as a convenient breeze ruffled his coat and hair.

"I am Sofuto An Mushi Haato, the Wandering Pacifist – that I am; if you want the title of strongest, you can have it, that you can, but.." Kenshin drew his sword out of the dirt and held it in front of him, deepening his voice as he spoke. "… You are a cold and ruthless man, that you are. You do not fight for principles, that you do not; you fight for power, that you do… I'm guessing, since you're here (that you are). No one ever comes here to shake hands, or to drink sake with me, that they do not. They all just want to fight, that they do, same old, same old, that it is…"

Kenshin's speech was driving him nuts. Aoshi turned his head to gaze coldly at Kenshin. "Your post-reformation nickname means nothing to me; I will take from you the title of Strongest, and that flower of a word will decorate the graves of my men…" Tears came into his eyes, and he gazed melodramatically at the sky, picturing the face of each of his beloved men (or rather, trying hard not to picture their faces, because most of them were damn ugly and looking at them made him nauseous). "Hishimi, Bettoko, Honda, and… er…" Having always addressed them by their nicknames, Fatty, Runt, Macho, and Ugly, he could not remember their real names. Furthermore, at that moment the dramatic breeze that had been blowing his hair changed direction, blowing it the wrong way and making him look more stupid than cool. He had to turn around and face the other way, and quickly recovered, saying, "You now are facing the beautiful and deadly _back_ of Shinomori Aoshi; prepare to meet your maker, Himura Battousai!" He stretched his arms so Kenshin could see and appreciate the full beauty of the glorious back of Shinomori Aoshi.

"Why don't you just put real flowers on their graves, that you don't why do not?" Beffudled, Kenshin shut his mouth.

"Real flowers are delicate and transient things, fleeting as marble and fragile as… as… summer blossoms." He could not think of another dramatic line, so he said simply, "I don't want real flowers. I want the flower of the word 'Strongest.'"

"Real flowers smell nice, that they do."

"The scent of triumph is sweeter." Oh, he was on today.

"Real flowers are pretty, that they are."

"I am more beautiful." The truth brought tears to his eyes.

"Even if that's true (that it is), you don't have to be so vain about it, that you don't."

"I was not being vain, only candid. And I will add that my men were butt-ugly, but I kept them around because they made me, by contrast, look more beautiful – just as a single ray of light shines the more brilliantly in a pit of utter darkness; and O! Was that darkness severe when that fatass Hyottoko was around—"

"Shikijo wasn't so bad--"

"Yes," Aoshi interrupted, before the dreaded 'that he was not,' could come. "But he was compensating for other… _smaller_ deficiencies."

"Oh." Kenshin nodded understandingly.

"So if I can give them nothing else, they must have the flower of the word 'Strongest.' Not flowers, not irises or roses or any of that nonsense – but the title, they must have. Or rather (let's be serious here), I must have that title, to add to my titles of 'Most Beautiful,' 'Deadliest,' and 'Most Likely to Hit His Head on a Doorframe.'"

Kenshin said, "But Aoshi… I don't think your men want that title, that I don't. I'm sure they appreciate your devotion, that they do, but they wouldn't want you to shed blood over it, that they wouldn't. And you know, that you know, real flowers are a sign of true affection, that they are."

Aoshi was about to punch the Wandering Pacifist, just to shut him up, when the wind changed direction again, and he was briefly distracted as he oriented himself to have the gusts pulling at his coat from the most dramatic angle. When he had settled his pose, he said darkly, "Battousai… I am going to kill you, for the honor of my men and for the flower of the word 'Strongest.'"

Kenshin sighed. "Listen, I'll buy you some nice flowers—"

"Defend yourself, Battousai!" Aoshi posed dramatically before drawing his twin kodachi, which gleamed in the sun.

Kenshin had also mastered the art of making his sword gleam, and he turned it so that it reflected brilliantly.

Frowning, Aoshi stepped into his fighting stance, twisting his swords so that they not only gleamed, they shimmered.

Kenshin also shifted his stance, twisting his sword in his fingers so that it, too, shimmered.

For some moments they stood there, twisting their blades. At last, Kenshin decided to attack, because he knew Aoshi could stand and pose for days without tiring.

"Leftward-Lunge-at-the-Ribs!" he cried, lunging to the left and slicing at Aoshi's ribs.

Aoshi parried.

"Rightward-Slash-to-the-Head!" Kenshin hollered, slashing rightwards at Aoshi's head.

Aoshi dodged.

"Downward-Cut-at-the-Knees!" Kenshin yelled loudly, slicing downwards at Aoshi's legs.

Aoshi blocked.

'He's incredibly skilled, that he is' Kenshin realized, breathing heavily as he stared hard at Aoshi, who posed for him. 'Somehow, he is predicting all of my moves before I make them, that he is. It's as if he knows what I'm going to do next, that it is. This guy is good, that he is. Somehow, I need to measure his strength so I can decide how the best way to fight him is, that I do.'

Fortunately, Sanosuke emerged from the dojo at that moment, along with Kaoru and Yahiko. 'Good timing, that it is' thought Kenshin. 'Now if Sano gets his ass kicked, that he will, I know this guy is tough, that I know.'

"Quick, Sano!" he yelled. "Attack that guy posing there – he's a cold-blooded florist, that he is!"

"I am not a florist!" Aoshi fumed.

"All right, I'll get him!" Sano cried. He raced forward, fists ready, but suddenly stopped and glanced at Kenshin. "Waitaminnut… Why don't you get him, Kenshin? He's a swordsman."

"Sanosuke, quickly! Attack him with all your might; I need you to gauge his strength, that I do!"

"Whaddya mean?"

"If he kicks your ass, I know he's good, that I know! Hurry, Sano, before he does another dramatic pose, that he does!"

"All right, all right… Why do I always have to do this, anyway? You can tell this guy is good from how dramatic he looks. Here I go…" Screaming at the top of his lungs, Sanosuke charged at Aoshi.

Aoshi put away his swords, smirking. As a high ranking baddie boss, he would defeat Sanosuke easily and thereby prove his toughness.

Sanosuke, sick of being thrown out to get beat up, fell down as he reached Aoshi and started groaning. "Oh… Kenshin, look out. This guy's strong. He took me out so fast… it looked like he wasn't even moving."

Aoshi, baffled, stared at Sano. "I didn't.."

"Shhh," Sano growled. "Jus' play along…" Then aloud, "Kenshin, get him for me! Can't… go on.. much longer… ugh…"

As Aoshi gazed at Sano, trying to decide whether to legitimately beat him or not, Sano caught his leg and whispered to him, "Hey, and if you get a chance… take out Yahiko for me. 20,000 yen if you do it painfully. Ow…" Aoshi stepped on his head, disgusted.

"Aoshi!" called Kenshin angrily. "For trashing my friend, I will defeat you!"

Aoshi blinked. "Aren't you forgetting something…?"

"Such as?" Kenshin demanded.

"That it is."

"What is?"

"You forgot to say it."

"I didn't forget. I went into Battousai mode. As the Battousai, I become macho and cool, and I don't say 'that it is.' Now, I shall avenge my friend whom you trashed."

"I didn't trash your friend; he tripped himself."

"Liar! I saw you strike him."

"But I did not touch him! I haven't even moved!"

"Impossible. I saw you." (Actually, he had not, but Sano had said that Aoshi had hit him too fast to be seen, and Kenshin refused to admit to having blinked at that moment) "You will hurt no one again. Special Attack: Powerful-Spinning-Slash-to-the-Head!"

Aoshi sidestepped the blow. _'Why does he shout out his moves like that? Of course… it's part of the YellOutYourMovesFirst style of swordsmanship.'_ He punched Kenshin hard and fast, and the Battousai fell to the ground, motionless.

"Kenshin!" Kaoru cried, and promptly burst into feminine tears.

Yahiko, who was less skilled than Kaoru in theory, but in practice much more useful because he was a boy, screamed in rage and charged at Aoshi.

"20,000 yen," Sanosuke whispered desperately to Aoshi. "Remember… ugh." Aoshi stepped on his head again.

Kenshin opened one eye slightly to watch, and waited for the right moment to get up and save everybody.

But Aoshi wasn't being cooperative. He knocked Yahiko aside, then posed as he laughed and declared, "I am now the strongest! There lies the Battousai, defeated by a single blow from me!"

_Author's note: Mediocre, yes? At best. There is no ending for this story. No continuation. No nothing. A failed beginning... but it was instructive for me._


End file.
